The '90s Were Hotter

I love the ‘90s. And not just the Vh1 specials about the ‘90s. I mean I actually love the ‘90s so hard it hurts. First, there was the music. What was so great about music in the ‘90s? Well, everyone was jumping and things were just less wiggida wiggida wiggida whack. Big butts were considered a thing of beauty—or at the very least, the object of every dude’s anaconda’s desire. And finally, the music was easier to follow with someone in the background always yelling “Go! Go! Go!” and “Take it to the bridge.”

While celebrating a friend’s 30th birthday recently, this love for ’90s music fused with the twenty-first century when we had a full-on AppleTV war with music videos from our favorite decade. It all started as you might expect: a bunch of late-twenty and early-thirty somethings reminiscing on the days of the mix-tape and memorizing music video choreography, and ended up with each of us trying to outdo each other with the most beloved, obscure or ridiculous videos we could think of.

I have to admit, while my boyfriend and I both have a healthy amount of ‘90s music on our iPods, I do recognize that his love for ‘90s grunge might be a little more legitimized by the music community than my love of ‘90s R&B, rap and–dare I say–Canadian reggae. While he listens to old-school tracks from artists still in the business of making music like Pearl Jam and Chris Cornell as lead singer of Soundgarden, I listen to Technotronic and Color Me Badd. Even though that one guy from CMB is a chubby tire salesman in Oklahoma (no joke), he can still sex me up anytime.

But my love for the ‘90s isn’t just about my terrible taste in music (and perhaps men?), there was also the television. Obviously, I could go on and on about MTV and Vh1 in the days when they actually played music videos. I recently found out that a friend of mine was a regular at MTV’s Malibu Beach House in ’95 and I was so disgustingly jealous that I briefly considered not speaking to her. Oh, how I longed for the day I would appear doing the Roger Rabbit or Running Man on “The Grind.” But seriously, I look at some of the crap my almost-eight-year-old son watches and it seems like the moral of every show nowadays is “your parents are stupid” or “sarcasm and pranks are totally acceptable in every social situation.” I miss shows like “Full House,” “Family Matters” and “Step by Step” that had good, wholesome messages about family, fairness and how to be a good friend. Also, Uncle Jesse was very nice to look at. Maybe more shows just need John Stamos. I don’t know.

When it comes to ’90s fashion, all I can say is I’m thrilled that leggings are back, though today it has more to do with my love of elastic waistbands than whatever motivated me to wear them in 3rd grade. I see Keds everywhere again and I remember how my friends and I used to switch one shoe so we’d have two different colors, and we never used the laces. However, I am sad to report that my head is now too big for headbands. I guess you really can’t have it all, huh?

Other random things from the ’90s that I will forever miss:

NES and video games I could actually follow, Pogs, Caboodles (or as my boyfriend calls them, tackle boxes for girls), knowing how to make friendship bracelets, having straight hair, Bill Bellamy, skirts with built in shorts so I never have to be lady-like, slap bracelets, being able to do the splits, 90210, Blossom (and Joey Lawrence … WHOA!), pagers, the ability to record songs off the radio, overalls, Lisa Turtle, combat boots, fades with zigzags and other super fly designs, En Vogue, trolls, skip-its, athletes rapping, Nickelodeon’s “Are you Afraid of the Dark?” …. Does the list ever really end? Not for this girl.